Where and What is Your "Utah?"

"Other people have analysis. I have Utah." - Robert Redford One of the most important epiphanies from my Year by the Water was that we don't have to be anti-social to be pro-solitude.

What do I mean by that?

Well, last April I was driving out in the middle of nowhere listening to the Audible version of Gloria Steinem’s memoir, My Life on the Road.

I had always pictured Texas as hot, flat and barren. But this was spring. Much to my surprise, everything was green, rolling, vibrant. I didn't know what was over the next knoll, all I knew was it was going to be something interesting I'd never seen before.

I was driving at golden hour - that blessed hour right before the sun goes down and the air shimmers with special light. I came over a rise and there, stretched out to the horizon, were golden fields. I gasped out loud at the sheer beauty of it, pulled over, shut off the car engine and stepped outside to bask in its splendor. The only sound was a slight breeze through the leaves of a nearby tree.

I will always remember that exquisite experience. I can still see it in my mind's eye months later.

I got back in the car and resumed driving while listening to Gloria share stories and insights from her life. She quoted Virginia Woolf who believed, "Every woman needs a room of her own."

I laughed out loud as I realized, "I have a ROAD of my own."

I truly revel in my independence. To me, an open road means freedom, autonomy, the opportunity to go anywhere I want when I want to. It's esstential to life feeling right.

I stopped at a steak house that night for dinner. The waiter asked where I was from, and I told him about driving cross-country visiting bodies of water and writing about them. He was intrigued and asked where I'd been that day. I told him about my experience with the golden fields.

He said, somewhat incredulous, "You're doing this by yourself? Aren't you lonely??

I told him, "I'm never lonely as long as I'm paying attention."

He persisted, "I wouldn't want to drive cross-country unless I had someone to share it with. It seems like it'd be kind of an empty experience."

I smiled because, to me, that experience wasn't empty, it was alive. There wasn't absence, there was presence.

I told him, "Connection isn't just with people. I was connected to those fields and with that moment. I've found that as long as I'm appreciating what I'm seeing, feeling, thinking and hearing, I'm never really alone."

I could tell he didn't relate to what I was saying. When I got back on the road, I asked myself, "Why is it that I crave space? Why is that I don't feel "bereft" when I'm by myself?"

I think part of it is I feel connected to loved ones even when we're not together. The connection I have with my loved ones exists even when we're miles apart. They're with me ... even when they're not with me.

The fact is, I am an ambivert. I enjoy being with people and I enjoy not being with people. I am both a public person and a private person.

Being around smart, talented, interesting people energizes me. And exploring new places and spaces on my own energizes me. It's not an either-or, it's both. Socialization and solitude are two sides of the coin of a creatively productive life.

What I know fur sure is that I need time and space to "mull and muse."

What do I mean by "mull and muse?" Time and space to reflect on what I've seen, heard, read. Time to roll thoughts around in my head. To observe the world around me from all angles. To savor ideas and insights like you would a ripe piece of fruit. To connect dot thoughts in new ways.

Perhaps my favorite example of someone who also seemed to operate best with a mix of socialization and solitude was ... Abraham Lincoln.

Several years ago, I was hired to train the board of Entrepreneurs Organization in public speaking. As a special treat, they arranged for a private group dinner at Lincoln’s Cottage in Washington DC following our day-long training.

I got there an hour before the others arrived. The first thing I noticed as I walked in was how "spare" the cottage was. Each room had only a few items. A desk. A chair. A small table with a lamp. It was as if the walls were whispering, "Space to think. Space to think."

I instantly got it. This was where Lincoln came to be alone with his thoughts. Where he escaped the pressures of the White House and found much-needed solitude to reflect upon our history and create a visionary document that changed the course of our nation.

I don't imagine Lincoln felt "lonely" while writing that magnum opus. I imagine his mind and soul were on fire. I imagine he welcomed the opportunity to write without distractions.

I had a great life before I took off for my Year by the Water. However, like many people, I was going, going, going. There weren't many opportunities to be alone with my thoughts ... much less to reflect on them or write about them. I now have that time ... and I honor it.

Many creatives talk about their need for head space so they can do original work. Being alone is when they are able to dig deep - without interruption - and envision new ideas, original art, innovative break-throughs. It is where they access the exquisite state of flow.

Yet in today's "crazy busy" world, too few of us have time for contemplation. That's why I'm sharing these inspiring quotes about the importance of making time and space for ideation.

I hope these quotes catalyze insight - maybe even a conversation with friends and family members - about why you crave a room or road of your own to connect with your creativity.

And I hope you never again feel a need to apologize for needing space. It's not selfish, it's smart. Solitude and socialization are not mutually exclusive; they are the best of both worlds.

1. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we're alone." - Mitch Albom

2. ”We need society, and we need solitude, as we need summer and winter, day and night, exercise and rest.” – Phillip G. Hamerton

3. ”Being solitary is being alone well: luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others.” Alice Koller

4. ”To go out with the setting sun on an empty beach is to truly embrace your solitude.” – Jeanne Moreau

5. ”The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” - Aldous Huxley

6. ”It is only in solitude that I ever find my own core.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

7. ”When you acknowledge the integrity of solitude, and settle into its mystery, your relationships with others take on a new warmth, adventure and wonder.” – John O’Donahue

8. ”Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” – Barbara de Angelis

9. ”Who hears music feels his solitude peopled at once.” – Robert Browning

10. "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone; solitude expresses the glory of being alone." - Paul Tillich

11. "Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren't a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” —Cheryl Strayed

Where and what is your Utah? Where do you retreat to be yourself by yourself?

Pablo Picasso said, "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose is to give it away."

Please understand that part of of your legacy is contributing your gifts - your writing, startup, art, songs, screenplay, painting, sculpture, art, music, solutions, vision.

How, when and where will you give yourself a room - or road - of your own?

When will you temporarily "escape" from people and schedule in time for creative solitude so you can muse and mull your reflections, experiences, insights, stories?

It's not a luxury, it's a necessity. It's not indulgent, it's an investment.

What Gift(s) Did Your Father Give You?

"My father gave me the greatest gift you can give anyone. He believed in me." -Jim Valvano On this Fathers Day, what gift(s) did your dad give you?

A good friend who’s a psychologist has a question she likes to ask, “What is something you remember your parents telling you?”

It’s an innocent enough question, yet it is a mini-Rorschach test.

What we choose to say – of all the thousands of things that were said and done throughout our childhood – says a lot about our parents and says a lot about us.

For some people, what stands out in their mind of what their parents said is:

“I’m sorry I had you.”

“You were a mistake.”

“You’re driving me crazy.”

For others, it’s:

“You can be anything you want to be.”

“You never know until you try.”

“Do the right thing.”

What do you remember your parents saying or doing that has had lifelong impact on you?

In particular, on this Father’s Day, what did your dad say or do that has stuck with you?

That last one from the list above, “Do the right thing,” is what our dad and mom – Warren and Ruth Reed - told us. Well, not in so many words. They inferred it. Here’s what I mean.

We grew in a small town in Southern California. And when I say a small town, I mean s-m-a-l-l, more horses than people.

If you draw a triangle between Ojai, Santa Maria and Taft, New Cuyama would be in the middle of that triangle.

My dad was the ag teacher at the local high school, which had 104 students in its “biggest” year.

Dad was in charge of the local FFA and 4-H club, which meant we grew up with animals. Rabbits. Sheep. Hogs. Cattle. Horses. Chickens.

When it was a cold wintry night and time to feed the rabbits, I would ask my dad, “It’s freezing out there. Do I have to feed the rabbits tonight? Can’t I do it in the morning?” ….

he wouldn’t say, “Yes, you have to feed the rabbits. They’re depending on you. How many times do I have to tell you ….”

he would say, “Do the right thing.”

When my sister, brother and I would go riding on a 100 degree summer day and come back on sweaty horses …

and ask our dad if we could just turn them loose in the corral instead of walking them until they’d cooled down …

he wouldn’t say, “You know the rules. You don’t leave until their sweat has dried.”

he would say, “Do the right thing.”

He instilled in us that when we’re tempted to do the easy thing, the expedient thing, the convenient thing …that instead we choose to do the right thing.

Thanks Dad.

You’re no longer with us so I can’t tell you this face-to-face, so I am sending my thanks heavenward.

Because of you and mom teaching me that doing the right thing deserves to be our automatic default, I did my best to model and instill that in my sons Tom and Andrew.

It is a JOY seeing them choose to live their life that way.

And it is a joy seeing them carry on your legacy as they teach their young children to become respectful, grateful, responsible citizens who choose to do the right thing.

What did your dad say or do that is still with you?

If you are lucky enough to still have him around, how will you thank him today for making an enduring difference for you?

If he’s not, how will you send your thanks heavenward, and let him know how you’re carrying on his legacy and doing your best to pass along his lessons to your loved ones?

Happy Fathers Day.

- - -

Sam Horn, CEO of the Intrigue Agency, has the best of all worlds. She gets to speak for organizations such as National Geographic and ASAE, her books have been featured in NY Times and on NPR, and she gets to help people create one-of-a-kind books and TEDx talks.

Five Ways to Focus on What Matters Most

As 17-time Emcee of the Maui Writers Conference, I had the opportunity to talk with Poet Laureate W. S. Merwin under a gentle night sky at the Presenters Reception of our first Maui Writers Conference. 

The private reception was held on a white sand beach under a full moon. I had just written a book on Concentration   and asked Merwin, (our opening keynoter),“How do you define concentration? How has it played a role in your life?”

He told me that understanding the importance of concentration prompted his pivotal decision to move to Hawaii. I’m paraphrasing here because I did not write down what he said (that’ll teach me …-)

The gist of his decision was that he and his wife Paula knew that continuing to live in NYC meant they would be surrounded by distractions and temptations that would pull him away from the work he was born to do.

As an in-demand winner of a National Book Award and two Pulitzer Prizes, every night brought invitations to readings, dinners and charity balls. Merwin realized it would be oh-so easy to become part of the “glitterati.”

Merwin concluded his work as a poet would suffer as a consequence, so he and Paula made a bold move to Maui to raise palm trees and live a simpler life so they could focus on their true priorities. As he so eloquently said:

“I love both the city and country. But when I was in the city, I thought about the country all the time. And when I was in the country, I thought about the city some of the time. So, now, I live in the country … and go to the city sometimes.”

There's a man who knows what is important to him. A man who intentionally created a life where he is freer to focus on his top priority. He removed himself from an environment that would pull him off track and intentionally sought out an environment that was congruent with being creatively productive.

I’ve come to believe this is one of the biggest challenges – and opportunities – we face as IDEApreneurs and entrepreneurs. Our environment helps us or hurts us when it comes to “taking our work seriously.” If we are in an environment that surrounds us with temptations and distractions, our SerenDestiny® project may get delayed and/or never get out the door.

What do I mean by SerenDestiny®? It is leading a life where the light is on in our eyes. It’s a result of doing what we love most and do best. It's what happens when we take responsibility for sharing our creative gifts with the world.

Are you taking your creative career, SerenDestiny® project and legacy work seriously?

I’ve come to believe it is not selfish to sequester ourselves and become a less public person. If we truly believe our work will add value to the world, then it is up to us to stay focused on it instead of frittering away our time and talent on “lesser” activities that, in the long run, won’t contribute to the greater good.

This means setting boundaries and saying “No" to tempting requests for our time, attention and talent that won’t move our priority projects forward. You may be thinking, “I agree with this in theory, but it’s tough to do in practice.”

Agreed. Which is why I think each of us need to create clear, measurable policies about what we will and won’t commit to. Here are a few of my best-practice policies you can put into place to “Create A Cocoon of Concentration” to stay focused on what matters most so you FINISH it and get it out in the world.

1. REDUCE time online. Check your digital devices ONCE in the afternoon and AFTER you finish work instead of ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

A recent study by MIT reveals we check our phone more than 100 times a day.  That is a misuse of time that could and should be spent on completing higher-priority work that will add value in the world.

2. Devote the morning to your SerenDestiny® project. I call this WAKE AND WORK.

Wake and Work means exactly what you think it means. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Don’t watch the news. Get up, walk the dog, grab your cup of coffee or tea … and then GET TO WORK.

Devoting your early-morning-energy to SerenDestiny® projects leverages that clarity that only comes when you’re not juggling multiple tasks. Tackle other tasks only after you have something tangible (two pages?) to show for your efforts. This sets up a feeling of accomplishment that makes you eager to come back and pick up where you left off.

3. Find Your Third Place.

The science of Ergonomics (the study of how our environment influences our effectiveness) states that your home is your First Place and your office is your Second Place. If you run a business out of your home, that’s your First and Second Place.

Ergonomic experts say it’s almost impossible to stay focused on creative projects in your First and Second Place because your environment keeps reminding you of the household chores or work tasks you customarily do in that space.

Your Third Place (i.e., a nearby coffee shop or a table in the back of your local library) is a public place where you get to work in private … in public. Instead of looking at a blank page and stalling because you have no energy, you get to piggy-back off the energy of others in the room. You’re more likely to achieve that sublime stream-of-conscious state of FLOW where you’re blissfully immersed in your project because you’re interruption and interference free.

Furthermore, does the name Pavlov ring a bell? If you commit to only working on your priority project in your Third Place; it sets up a ritualistic cocoon of concentration where you walk in, sit down and the faucet of flow opens up. The words will come out so fast, your fingers will hardly be able to keep up.

Many clients tell me their Third Place is their saving grace. It's the only time they're able to temporarily escape their other responsibilities and maketheirpersonal priority their top priority.

4. Announce an email sabbatical.

What are you here to do?  Are you frittering time away on things that won't matter in the long run?

Create an “Out of Office” response so people emailing you receive a friendly yet clear, “Thank you for getting in touch. I am working on my ( … fill in the blank …) this (Day? Week? Month?) and will be answering emails once a week each Monday. If this is an emergency or business communication, please contact my assistant who will happily help you. Thank you for understanding. I’m excited about finishing this (what project?) and look forward to launching it into the world. Your support is appreciated.”

5. Establish an across-the-board policy you won’t meet people for meals on weekdays. Or, offer to meet for a walk-talk in a park so you get outside, stay fit AND stay connected with friends.

You may worry you’re going to offend someone by taking yourself off the grid. You might want to ask yourself, “Am I supporting, everyone else’s priorities … at the cost of my own?” It is our responsibility to think big on our behalf … and to think long on our behalf.

What is the long-term cost of being available to other people 24/7? I am not suggesting we become a hermit. W.S. Merwin isn’t a hermit; he is simply selective about how often he takes time away from his work to be available to the public. He simply balances demands on his attention with his dedication to his poetry – which keeps the light on in his eyes and keeps him contributing at his highest level.

How about you? Is this the year you get your dream project out of your head and into the world where it can make a positive difference for others and a prosperous living for you?

My mom used to tell me, "A year from now, you'll wish you had started today." True dat.

You might want to print this out and post it where you'll see it every day to remind yourself that the ball is in your court to focus on what matters most ... today and every day, not someday.

Want more tips on how to F.O.C.U.S on what you want, when you want? Click here.

Want these techniques taught to your employees or association members? You're invited to contact my business manager Cheri Grimm at Cheri@intrigueAgency.com to discuss your group's priorities and to arrange for Sam to speak at your conference.